What To Look For In A Partner
What To Look For In A Partner
From euchre to life, a healthy partnership is everything!
Lately, we have been on a big Fiddler on the Roof kick at the Coley house (RIP Chaim Topol, who played Tevye, passed away this week)!
Our kids love to listen to the soundtrack every time we get into the car. Amelia especially loves the classic hit “Matchmaker”!
Matchmaking has been an odd concept to try and explain to our kids. While it is still practiced in some parts of the world, it is definitely not prevalent in modern western culture.
So as we talk to our kids about (pardon The Music Man reference) finding our someone, we have come up with a list of three tiered criteria that we are encouraging them to look for in their future partners.
Primary Tier-This tier is the most important and as Liz Lemon would say…is a dealbreaker!
Find someone who loves Jesus, and loves you, in that order.
It has been my experience that when two people begin a relationship without the same common ground in religious points of view, the relationship is already under an immense strain. In the Bible, Jesus lays out the two greatest commandments to a group of religious fundamentalists, the pharisees. In Matthew 22:36-40 Jesus answered:
36 “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”
37 Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’[a] 38 This is the first and greatest commandment.
39 And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’[b] 40 All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”
Another point of proof that God desires us to desire him first is to think back to the ten commandments he gave to Moses. If you are not familiar with these here they are in order.
Notice that the first three commandments (not suggestions) are all about keeping God in his proper place in our lives (us and God). Then we move down the list and it spreads into the different areas of our lives including our relationships (us and others) and our morality (us).
Keeping God first in your life is NOT A BAD THING! When we follow Jesus we are called to be:
quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry. (James 1:19)
humble (Proverbs 15:32-33)
Those who are in Christ are distinguished from unbelievers in that they have been gifted with the Holy Spirit, enabling them to bear fruit.
“The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control…”– Galatians 5:22-23
Keeping God first in our life puts…literally… every aspect of life on sure footing. When we elevate another person, even our spouse or children who we love most in life, we get the priorities out of whack. When we let God set our path straight, we are then better material for future partners. This is the cornerstone of a good partner and when a relationship is formed, a good partnership.
Find someone who loves to laugh and play.
It cannot be emphasized enough…if you cannot laugh together your life will be miserable!
Elizabeth and I try to model this for our kids everyday. We quote tv shows and movies we both love in order to brighten each other’s day (mostly The Office). We share reels on Facebook and Instagram with each other that we then wait to watch until we are together because we love that feeling of giggling like children together. We playfully tease, we tell stories, do impressions, anything that might make brighten the other person’s day. I cannot imagine life without this important element.
So how do you find someone who you can laugh and play with? Well, I tell you one thing, it’s not going to find you with your face in a screen all day! You have to get out there and talk with people. Run in circles of people who are having fun. Find families that know how to have a good time and pursue them. Try out material on a potential partner before you commit your emotions to them. If they don’t laugh with you or vice versa it is probably not a match.
Find someone who enjoys talking with you as much as Elizabeth and I do. Try listening to our podcast to hear our playful banter.
Find someone who values your family.
This value at its heart is about longevity and consistency. If you find yourself with a person who isn’t interested in getting to know your family while you are courting/dating, they won’t suddenly become interested after you say “I do”.
When looking for a partner, looking at their family history is an indicator as to how they will view your family moving forward.
I want say this though, it is not the only or even best indicator. I have known people that come from broken and dysfunctional homes who will commit themselves to do anything to change that dynamic in their family tree. Likewise, having a family history of little to no divorce and long-term relationships is a good indicator of temperament, but by no means is it an absolute truth of the future. There is a fine line on how to walk this road.
For our kids we want their spouses to want to be around us. Not so we can rule their lives, but because there is great value with multi-generational inputs on marriage, children, and relationships. We want them to know we love them as if they are our own, and we hope our children will be received the same way by their partner’s parents. Clear conversations about the value of each others families in the lead up to marriage will help with expectations later down the road.
Secondary Tier-Not deal breakers, but will improve your life and relationship considerably.
Look for someone who enjoys learning.
Partners who value learning make for rich conversations, enjoyable shared experiences, and unique points of view.
This doesn’t mean that you have to formally go through lots of formal education just to prove that you can retain information, but rather find a person that has curiosity. Curious people tend to go deeper on surface issues and try to find out what the underlying problem can be. This can be so beneficial to a partnership!
For example, there are times when I am in a terrible mood. On the surface it might look like I’m just being a jerk, but beneath all of that can be a whole host of things that are going on. I could be tired, hungry, sad, anxious, distant, or mad. But because Elizabeth has taken the time to get learn about me and learn about the psychology of humans she really helps me out by not just tolerating my grumpiness, but she helps me get to the core of the problem and loves me enough to learn how to help me through.
Look for someone who values your input.
Nothing makes a person feel less valued than when your opinion doesn’t seem to count for anything. Often times in a marriage, the individuals will assume certain roles and then assume they are the dictatorship of those areas in the shared lives. Find someone who is willing to take on certain responsibilities in the partnership, but who listens to you and values your thoughts and suggestions.
It is so empowering when someone you love comes to you for your input on subjects. Even if they already know the answer (or have a strong feeling about the direction they should take) including you in the decision making process makes you feel heard and valued.
Look for someone who is willing to go adventures.
Adventures can range from traveling the entire world… all the way to… trying new restaurants. It is going into the unknown together knowing that whatever the experience is, you both will be happy because you are adventuring together!
Elizabeth and I have had some wild adventures and rarely do we travel. Here are some that comes to mind:
Intentionally deciding to forgo high incomes in order to spend more time together and build a family.
Deciding to take on rebuilding the farmhouse and start our own homestead.
Deciding to homeschool our children and show them the world through a non-institutionalized set of eyes.
Setting out to spend a day not knowing where we will go or what we will do!
Tertiary Tier- Only Important If You Want A Happy Life
Try to find a Cubs fan.
Cubs fans are the absolute best people on the planet!
Because of our suffering for so many years, we have developed lots of great qualities like:
Patience
Optimism
Self-Deprecating
Also, Cubs fans are patriotic. I mean our team colors are Red, White, and Blue. Just like the good ole US of A. Unlike those dirtbags from St. Louis whose colors are Red, Yellow, and White. You know like the flags of communist countries like China, Turkey, and the former USSR.
So if you love America, find a Cubs fan!!!
Note what is not on the lists:
Physical Beauty Traits
Race
Political Ideology
Taste in Music and Movies
These traits should not be qualifiers when searching for a partner. Yes, we all have certain aspects that we find physically attractive in another person, but we shouldn’t be so vain as to say that it is super important to me that my future partner have blonde hair and blue eyes. Beauty is skin deep, all races are beautiful and have so much to offer, and taste in ideas and likes change so we try to focus on more important areas.
If you are still reading at this point, it is possible you might be put off with the notion of holding to old ways of thinking and traditions.
You might be saying, “Noah why do you hold to such traditional points of view.” I can’t express to you how solid it feels to be holding to tried and true traditions when the stormy winds of change come into your life. Instead of flailing in the wind like a tarp being held onto by a bread twist tie, you feel like you are anchored in bedrock.
Culture will try to twist and bend every aspect of life in order to sell you on the latest fashions, trends, ideology, lifestyles, and temporary popular ideas. Find something to hold onto that has roots. In the words of our friend Tevya
“Tradition. Without our traditions,
Our lives would be as shaky as... as a fiddler on the roof!”
